Change of course, not destination.

Written by fatlete contributor Sarah...

It's cold outside but Sarah is one hot mama

I haven't posted in this for quite a while. The last time I did I had a different perspective on several different views in my life. Which now have changed drastically....

I have successfully focused on my career, education and fitness for the last seven months. In those seven months, I learned I was a "man hater". I was upset with the male population thinking they were all the same. Same as the last guy, or even worse, The Ex.

Now... I am fully aware that this is a Fitness Blog and is supposed to be fitness inspired. Hang in here with me while I show you how this is all connected.

I at one point in my life was out of shape, miserable physically, mentally and romantically.  I used the gym as my outlet when things went sour with my ex-husband. I went several times a day, joined "Biggest Loser" competitions, 5k, 10k and half marathons to push myself to some sort of emotional/mental clarity. In that time I lost over 100 pounds. Yes, I know, I was a cow and I am not proud of it especially, because I am military.

Have I mentioned that I have control issues in general??

I took control of my health and fitness level.  When regaining my fitness level, there were several road blocks that I faced along the way. I hit them all like mile markers, one after the other. So many women I have talked to going through a divorce or nasty break-up have hit them too.

I started to realize that my private hell I was facing was no longer private. It was a common place here in suburbia. Like a road-side coffee stand handing out lattes and ***. The mental and emotional abuse I had been accustomed to over the years, was common for so many other women who were over weight.  They too had been blessed with the same kind of "loving spouse" I had.

I become so drawn to the gym and working out that I became addicted. I could plug in my iPod and escape the mundane wife role I had jumped into back in my early 20's.  Through workouts and treadmill butt kickings. I learned a lot more about myself that I was never really aware of.

1. I am stronger than I thought mentally and emotionally.
2. I was accepting of the love that I thought I deserved, which was terrible. Why would anyone think so low of themselves?
3. I wasn't truly happy with anything I was doing.
4. I wasn't living just surviving.
5. I was a ragging bitch with an attitude problem. (ironic that I was a public figure and so nice to people I barely knew)

I wasn't who I thought I was, and I damn sure wasn't who I wanted to be. Somehow, every mile I ran I was running from the person I didn't want to be anymore. I would like to think that with every step I was running towards the person I am supposed to be.

Through my pledge of working on me; I swore off many things and some things I just plain ignored. I focused on my children, education/career, and fitness. I have to admit that I also play roller derby and it is another mild addiction I have. I ignored mainly my feelings towards men, or maybe...... I focused on the hate I had for men. 

I am still staying true to myself and that destination. But, recently on a vacation back to my country home town I found out much more about myself. I found a form of healing from the pain, let down, and the damn disappointment of a failed marriage.

Sarah in her cute new car.  Other fatlete contributors are jealous.

I went home for Christmas to the one horse town I was raised in. I took my kids home, introduced them to my friends and family.  I was raised on a farm, in a town many refer to as "Klamtucky". I have to admit that even though I drive a BMW and have a different life up here, I can be just as redneck as I was raised.

I went out for the END OF THE WORLD PARTY 12/21. Ended up in a dive bar called Chicken and Cheers, this is where my world was about to change in a blink of an eye. I entered this dive bar with no expectations, but my high school bestie was certain that I would meet the man of my dreams there and I would move home, and we could carry on our lives raising babies in this little town where rodeos are a huge event and Grange Co-Op is where you buy the most expensive belts and jeans in town.

I was told I am a "man-hater". Crazy?!?!? I never thought of myself as a man hater, or even remotely of the sort.... walking into this bar made me realize two things. First,  I was in the twilight zone.Second, that a man sitting at the bar making me smile and laugh was about to impact my life like no other.

I have heard women say that someone could impact your life like this before, but never understood it and it was happening to me! With my high school buddy giggling and smiling behind me. She whispered in my ear "He is the one, I've waited a long time for you to have this moment Sarah". I have spent every day since talking with this man.  This is a new path for me...but I am still headed towards happiness and love.

 Sarah isn't looking for superman like Amy, she wants a man with a utility belt..