I Miss You

Hi everyone this is Amy.  I am reposting this from my friend Gillian's blog (a loyal fatlete reader).  It was so accurate and true I thought I had to bring it to all my single fatletes.  It brought tears to my eyes and made me think about my "someday" and what "could" have been, or even what "should" be.  

Link to Gill's Blog "Hard G"
http://hardgee-gillianbee.blogspot.com/2012/09/saudade.html?spref=fb.

Hope everyone is doing well.  Remember to add me to facebook (Amy Crabtree Cobine), so that I can add you to my coach's page and check out my Beachbody site.  www.beachbodycoach.com/amycobine

Saudade

“The grass is always greener on the other side,” said my sister, trying to convince me that being single had its merits. Or maybe she didn’t use that particular cliché, exactly. Creative license. But the meaning was the same. The grass is greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it. And so on. She wasn’t wrong. Her intentions were good. I remained unconvinced.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate my solitude. It’s just fantastic that I can spend all weekend in my pajamas if I wish. I can eat cereal for dinner. I can spend all my disposable income on nail polish and ridiculous t-shirts. I can watch all the cheesy chick flicks I want, and cry into my cornflakes, and no one will mock me. I can go out, or not. I can let the dog sleep in my bed. I never have to shave my legs. I can leave boxes of tampons laying around the house with wild abandon. My house, my rules.

And then there’s the rest of the time.

I miss you. I wake up in the morning and my first conscious thought is missing you. You are missing from everything. You are the negative space constantly beside me. The void where you should be sucks the light from everything. I miss you. I see couples caught in the gravitational pull of each other and I miss you. I watch them communicate without words, the little touches, the significant eye contact, and I miss you. I don’t look for them, but they appear in front of me. I hear them laughing at the jokes that are only funny to them, and I wonder what our jokes would be, and I miss you. I see boys and girls on blankets in the grass, oblivious to everything but each other. I ache and I miss you. I walk Gracie alone, and miss you. I want to tell someone about my day and I miss you. I want to sit in silence with another human being, just breathing the same air and I miss you.

The lack of you is my constant companion. I feel you not there. You are a ghost. I hear a song, just a few lyrics, and you are there but not and I miss you. At night, in dreams, you are more there than anywhere, but I never see you. I know it’s you, I know your presence. But I never see your face. I miss your face. How can I miss what I don’t know? You can’t possibly exist, this you I imagine. But there is a you-sized hole in my life. Have we met, I wonder? Would I know you if I saw you? You are so real in my head. And that’s all I have, really. The idea of you.

There’s a Portuguese word for this feeling. Saudade. There isn’t a single equivalent word in the English language. It takes paragraphs of words to describe this single word: saudade. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone. It’s longing and yearning. It’s incompleteness. It is me, missing you. Saudade. I love the word. I would ink it into my skin if I weren’t afraid of the pain. 

It bothers me, though, the thought that I am somehow not a whole person without you. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone. I don’t want my happiness to be wrapped up entirely in another person. I don’t want to be rescued. A little help now and then wouldn’t hurt, however. And that’s what I miss. A partner, a compliment, a helper, a friend. You.

Possibly—likely—I have idealized you. I hold up the you silhouette to everybody I meet, and it never matches. How could it? Will anyone ever fit? No relationship is perfect, my sister tells me again. No man is perfect. You are not perfect. You will fight and be angry at some point. She’s trying to talk me off this ledge of longing and yearning and incompleteness. I know. But. I still miss you, this impossible, unobtainable you who is out there somewhere.

Will you find me?

I miss you.

Busy Mom

I am a single mother of three young kids. I try to be fit and do some sort of workout each day. My day consist of gym, groceries, PTA, dance, and gymnastics. I am also a full time college student in the Nursing Program. I live in my sweaty gym clothes. Go every where looking like a hot mess after my workout. My point is..... If you want something bad enough it doesn't matter how you look! It isn't a fashion show. Stop worrying what everyone else thinks and start worrying about what you think.... About your health.

To all my Busy Mom Friends!! Get out there and ROCK THOSE GYM CLOTHES WITH RUNNING ERRANDS!!
Keep up the great work, push yourself, don't give up, and remember 6 months ago when you were fatter?? Yeah, don go back there!

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!!

Keep going! Kick butt and never give up!!

Which one are you???

Get Going....

Today I sit tired, broken, and battered. I'm not sure if it's because I miss my ex and the life I had or if I am upset because I want instant gratification at the gym and wish I was already a size 0.
Ran my little a** off at the gym. I would prefer to run outside but gym has childcare. I am down another 10 pounds since I last wrote on here. Makes me feel accomplished. Except emotionally I am not. That's probably for another blog I should write about getting over a failed relationship.

Half of the battle with losing weight and becoming healthy is it's a process. A process that does NOT happen over night. (although I wish it was instant).
I became fat over the course of 7 years, it will take more than a year to get where I want. I have these ideas in my head that I can be a body builder, that I can look smokin hot naked!! But then I notice a battle in my head. Sometimes the voices say "I can" sometimes the voices are my inner demons. What I notice now is that no matter what self talk you listen to, you are only going to achieve what you actually get your ass out there and DO!!
So, for all my friends who are struggling. Get out there, put down the food, soda, or whatever your addiction is and PUSH YOURSELF!
Push yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. Go! Do Something about your misery!
I am battling through a seperation. My ex and I sometimes hate each other, sometimes love and miss each other (those days are few and between). My misery is my romantic state of life. But that is what helped me to be a fatty in the first place. A romantic relationship may not be your reason for gaining. It's just an example. My point is that I should have worked hard on that too. I should have faced my fears and achieved.
My advice today.... Locate what makes you feel that you can't achieve the health and well-being that you want. Find what makes you upset and lose focus. THEN TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND FACE IT HEAD ON!!! Go on do it. Because the biggest failure is not trying. The biggest failure is letting yourself down. You can let others down but you live with yourself every minute of everyday!!
Get out there and do what every scares you. If you don't you'll only wonder.
Face everyday with new positive insight. You only live once, lol! YOlO!
If for nothing else achieve greatness physically so that inner voice that tells you "you can't" can't shut the hell up!!

Let me introduce myself......

I would like to thank Amy for an opportunity to find a voice. This is now my journey to regain the life I lost years ago.

My name is Sarah Brannon (Sarah Lewis). I am a successful over achiever/control freak, I have three kids (Ages: 9,4,2) and currently going through a divorce, AND..... A FORMER FATTY!

I could go on and drag my marriage through the mud and place blame on everyone else but myself, I won't. When I dug down deep I realized that the reason why I was over weight had nothing to do with my marriage, the stress of being a military wife with three kids and a full time job,. It had everything to do with my lack of self confidence. I realized I wasn't happy in my marriage or with myself. I will never forget the moment I took back control.

These are the moments I would like to continue to share with you. Like Amy, I share similar interests. I love to run! Help others achieve goals I know are possible through hard work and dedication.

At my heaviest.... I weighed 292, and a size 24. It was the day I gave birth to my third child, my son Dallas.

Today, I weigh 166 and a size 10. I am not where I want to end up, But I am well on my way to the success I deserve.

Please follow me as I take you through my journey and share with you tips and inspiration!!

Tough Mudder Recap

Ok well this race was just to much fun and just too hard not to post about.  I ran, hiked, crawled, and swam in the So Cal Tough Mudder race in Running Springs Ca (a ski resort).  I am also blogging this so that I can stop telling the story over and over again.  The next post will be from the new Fatlete blogger, Sarah.

Tough Mudder So. Cal  July 7, 2012 (Pics from Tough Mudder facebook, none are of me but are from actual race day)

 I had to look at half naked guys all day... it was a tough day.

Starting line.. so to get to the Tough Mudder starting line you have to climb a Berlin Wall (12ft wall), and I did what any girl would do,  I asked the very large handsome man next to me to give me a boost.  This would be the first time I got felt up before a race, but would not be the last time I was felt up during this one.

The Death March

This was a mile up a ski slope and for the most part was not a problem for me, I run hills like this everyday in St George.  However!  Yeah there is a however, coming down the steep hill, in what must of have been some kind of pumy dirt (it was so dusty), I started as asthma attack of which I did not fully recover from until the next day.  Favorite part of going up the hill was when the guy next to me announced that he should have put on deodorant because he was starting to smell like "a lesbian brothel."  LOL  I cannot make this stuff up, that is what he said.

Arctic Enema (sounds pleasant right?)

This obstacle was the one that scared me the most the weeks before the race.  I had read so much about it and I just really hate being cold and I have a fear of drowning.  I had read that this would be the  second obstacle in the race but didn't realize what is was until I had already climb up on top of the pools.  As I looked down I knew I was going to just have to jump in and not think about it.

I stayed close to the sides which is good because I lost all the oxygen in my body as I hit the water.  The water came almost to my shoulders.  I needed to swim under the board (plank) at the half way point in the pool.  As I went under the water I was scared.  Really scared!  Would I come back up?! The water was so cold I thought my chest was going to cave in.  I got to the other side quickly but the girl in front of me was having problems getting out of the water.  I found myself yelling at her to "please hurry" as I pushed her butt out of the water.  I was in so much pain, I needed to get out!!  As I came out of the water, all I could say was "holy cow, holy frick" over and over again.  Getting out of that ice bath had to be one of the best feelings in the world.  I would dare to say better than sex ( but what do I know, it's been a while)

 Ice bath!!!

This time two guys next to me had this conversation... "I have rocks in my shoes."  "Oh yeah, I have rocks in my balls." I would have laughed if I could catch my breath.

Cliff Hanger

As I hiked another ski slope, I found myself climbing next to several handsome guys in tutu's.  They were Team Tutu.  Fun bunch of guys.  The one in a red tutu hiking next to me looked over at me and said "I'm single."  Hot dang!  I was being flirted with on the race course, but I am a nerd, and I really didn't know what to say.  I should have said "I'm single too, meet you after the race."  But no, instead I said "well you are rocking that skirt."  I would enjoy most of the race behind or running next to Team Tutu.  Their team effort was inspirational as they declared "no tutu would be left behind."

We climb ski slope and and ski slope and by climb I mean many people had started to use their hands to help from falling backwards.  My glutes were on fire, and out loud said "climbing this hill better make my butt look good."  The guy behind me assured me "it already does."  Well thank you dear sir.

One sign on the hill read "watch for falling rocks, they hurt"

Berlin Walls (first set)

I knew the Berlin Walls would be easy as I had already done one to get to the start line, I just needed to pick a guy to help me over again.  This time I got the tallest, most handsome, guy I could find.  Holy cow, I think I felt him up as he lifted me over the wall.  He could have lifted me up over the wall with one arm.

Berlin Wall (second set)

I neared the second set of walls, and the guy who had ran down the hill next to me offered to get me over the walls.  He looked kind of like a guy I had dated (the Therapist), so he was cute and pretty freakin fit, and I was very agreeable to his helping hand.  He got me over all the walls and told me good job.  Maybe I should have waited for him and got his number, but who has time for that?  Bring on the next obstacle.

Walking the Plank

Have I mentioned I am scared of heights.  Well I am.  Especially jumping 15 ft into a mountain lake.  I climbed up the plank (easy enough) but when I got to the top and looked down, I lost it.  I was so scared.  I had no idea I was going to be this scared.  My legs were shaking!  Another girl on the plank was terrified too and holding on to the side.  Guys were jumping into the water, some doing flips into the water, all around us and a drill Sargent came over and started yelling out to me to jump.  He practically pushed me a few times.  The other scared girl, said we could go together, and we held hands and started to to count to three but she chickened out and let go of my hand and said she "couldn't do it."  So, oh I had to do it.  I couldn't go back down the plank, I would have been too embarrassed.   I looked into the water at one of the rescue people, made sure he had eye contact with me and jumped.  I must not have hit the water gracefully because when I popped back up my head was throbbing.  As I caught my first breath, I dropped the "f" bomb.  I know its not lady like and just disgusting that I did it,  but my head hurt.  I hit the water so hard, I could have broke my nose, or flatten my face and you all would have had to nickname me "Pug."  The life guard guy asked if I needed any help to shore, I said no, because the worse part, the jump, was over.  Next time I am bringing water wings.

Electric Eel 

This was a fun obstacle that required me to go into the mud under live wires.  I already told everyone that the electric shock therapy obstacle at the end of every Tough Mudder race made me nervous but I didn't realize that there was a chance of getting shocked at two separated obstacles.  I decided to just dive right in behind a guy that seemed fearless.  I was almost out of the mud when, AWWWWW!!!  I got shocked right in the shoulder blade.  I let out a scream I am sure people down in San Diego could hear.  Everyone around the obstacle got quit for a second, and then a guy behind me started to laugh.  "Stop laughing, it freakin hurt."  Just as I got to the very end the guy who had came out before me he said my butt was close to wire and asked if he wanted him to pull me out.  I really didn't need a bolt of electricity in my butt so I said "yes".

Half Pipe

This giant half pipe in covered in water, thanks to a snow blower no less, and is about 12 feet tall.  The idea here is to run as fast as you can and hope another Mudder grabs your hand and pulls you up.  My first run I grabbed the hand of another Mudder, but it was just him and he had a hold of just my fingers.  Our fingers slipped apart and I fell forward hitting my chin on the half pipe hard and rolled down the rest.  I landed at the bottom of the half pipe with a thud.  I laid on the ground just for a second.  I didn't feel any stinging from my chin so I figured I wasn't bleeding.  I pounded the ground with my fist, jumped back up and went back to the lines to try it again.  The next run, I made sure two guys could see I was ready to run.  I ran as fast as I could and jumped, they caught me.  Each had a hand and I looked up at them and begged them "please don't let go, just don't let go."  Hmmm this sounds like the start of a needy complicated relationship. LOL

They held on, and another guy grabbed my arm and they all pulled me up.  Unfortunately my shirt got caught on the lip of the half pipe and it felt like someone tried to tear off my left boob.  Ouch!!  I didn't stay on the wall to help anyone, because I weigh 110lbs, have short arms, and no upper body strength so I really wouldn't offer much assistance.

I will also mention by this point in the race a girl running behind me (a military gal from a San Diego base) told me I was bleeding as she pointe to my shoes.  The shoes I had chosen to wear for the race, trail runners meant for trails and water, and had for several other times, and rubbed the back of my ankles.  I was bleeding quite a bit and didn't even feel it.  I told her thanks and kept running with her for awhile.  Women in the military rock!

There were tons of other obstacles and I had a great time in the mud and challenging myself both physically and mentally.  It was a great way to spend my 35th Birthday and I will be back Tough Mudder and next time with a team.  I am thinking Team Super Tutu.  I call the Superwoman outfit!

Feel free to facebook me or check out my Beachbody site www.beachbodycoach.com/amycobine
Facebook me at Amy Crabtree Cobine (I have a coach page)

This girl was as graceful at this obstacle as I was.  Ha!

 My fav pic from Greased Lightening

Ok cute that couples did this together, but kissing and holding hands on the course, is not for me! 

High fives are more my style.

Electric Shock to finish!